The best embarrassing story I can tell to emphasize the importance of lubrication is the first time I gave a hand job. I kept running back and forth from the sink to the bed pouring water on my hand so the process would go more smoothly. That method involved an excessive amount of wasted energy for an orgasm. Thankfully I learned from my young sexual naivety and found myself loving lube. I will now pass on my knowledge to you. Here are the six best lubricants I know:

1. Pjur Cream Glide
This lubricant offers the best of both worlds because it is a mixture of silicone- and water-based lubricant: It is smooth and long-lasting like silicone, but there isn’t enough silicone to damage your silicone toys. On top of already being perfect, it is soft and creamy for the sensitive types.

2. Swiss Navy Passion Fruit Water-Based Lubricant
I find most flavored lubes to be awfully unappetizing, but Swiss Navy did something right with their passion fruit flavor. It doesn’t have that too sweet and sugary taste to it. I once saw Midori, sex educator and bondage expert, drink it straight from the bottle. (Even better, all their flavored lubes are paraben-free and sugar-free, which is excellent news for sensitive veegees.)

3. Yes
This lubricant has my favorite texture out of all the lubricants I’ve tried. It is clear, smooth, silky and has a very natural feel to it. Yes is also one of the least sticky and messy lubes I’ve had the pleasure of using. Lube is my best friend in the bedroom because I often need help with moisture and Yes is ultra-moisturizing and very wet. So if you are older and coping with dryness, or similar to me in basically requiring lubricant for sex, you’ll love this product.

4. Sliquid Organics Silk
This is probably the only Sliquid product worth getting. The other ones I’ve tried last less time than your 15-year-old boyfriend did when you lost your virginity to him. This is a similar concept as the Pjur Cream Glide in that it is a silicone- and water-based hybrid, but this lubricant is not as thick and creamy. The most amazing part about it is it has absolutely no taste. And for you vegan types out there: 100% Vegan/No animal testing/Organic/Natural/Hypoallergenic/Glycerine, paraben, petroleum free/etc.

5. Uberlube
For all the silicone lubricant lovers out there, this is my absolute favorite! I don’t usually explore the silicone lubricants often because I like to take my silicone toys with me where ever I go, but I’m willing to change it up for this lube. It also makes for a great hair product! Plus, the packaging is simply gorgeous.

6. Liquid Silk
This is one of the top rated lubricants out there. Super smooth and long lasting, especially for a water-based lubricant (although it does have atiny bit of silicone in it, though not enough to make it unsafe to use with silicone toys). It has a very natural quality to it, which I find to be kind of hot (yes, thaaaat kind of natural). One warning though is that it does contain parabens, which can cause allergic reactions in some people, yikes!

Also to be read on Em & Lo. 

My first introduction to Sliquid was that it was the lubricant that was going to safe my sex life – finally something that was glycerine and paraben free…no more stinging discomfort at the first squeeze of a lube tube during sex. Major clit killer.

Other great things: green packaging, flavor free, water-based so it was okay to use with my toys, designed for a woman, etc.

Then when I eventually tried Sliquid H20 for the first time, I was severely disappointed. It dried up right away. And without a pump bottle, continuously reapplying starts to become a chore rather than part of the foreplay.

The Sliquid hype was dead to me.

However, a few months later I decided to try it again. All my favorite sex shops rave about Sliquid. I needed to know what the hype was all about.

Silk

After some good advice, I bought the Sliquid Organics Silk. This is their water/silicone based hybrid lubricant. It is only 12% silicone, making it safe enough to use with your silicone toys and still as easy to clean as most water-based lubricants – but with the added benefit of being just as smooth and lasting as long as most silicone lubricants. I was hesitant to believe it was really going to last long considering my past Sliquid experience…but it ended up working really well.

It is one of the better hybrid lubricants out there - Liquid Silk is great and never sticky, but has parabens. Pjur Woman Bodyglide is not as long lasting, but is great if you are looking for more cushioning. I will also add as a fun fact that I love hybrid lubes because they are a little creamier and white and pleasantly reminiscent of cum.

Anyway – this lead me to explore all the rest of the Sliquid Organics line. If you like the Organics then I honestly think you can stick with that and not get into their Natural Intimate Lubricant line. I still stand by the H20 being not very effective. It has been well over a year since first got it and I still haven’t gone through the whole 4.2 oz bottle. I use it occasionally, but only when I masturbate. Sliquid definitely works best on a woman’s body. Male stimulation should look elsewhere for lubes.

Natural

The Natural is the basic Sliquid Organics product. It is a simple water-based lubricant. Moving on…

Gel

The gel is basically the same as the basic Natural lubricant, except that it is a lot thicker (due to some kind of added plant based ingredient). Gels provide more cushioning, less friction, stay in place better, and are generally ideal for anal play.

Oceanics

This lubricant has carrageenan in it, which is a seaweed extract. THIS lubricant will keep going and going and going anddd prevents HPV! It is often recommended for older women, going through menopause because it really helps relieve dryness and soothes the skin. Oceanics also has wakame in it which, according to Sliquid’s website has “anti-wrinkle and skin revitalization properties”

Sensation

This is Sliquid Organics verison of a warming lubricant, although what is warming to some people is icy or simply extra stimulation to others…so props to Sliquid for a more adequate name like ‘sensation’. Menthol is what creates the cooling and warming – which is ignited by friction, so it sort of increases as you go.

The Organics line also has a clitoris stimulating gel and a massage gel line..but unfortunately I have not tried them yet, so I cannot review them for you good folks. For now, enjoy your thorough Sliquid Organics Guide.

1. Educate Yourself

Know what the clitoris is, know what the perineum is, and know all your partner’s favorite spots. Without this knowledge, I don’t know how you’ve been going down on someone all these years. For reference: buy Em & Lo’s Sex: How To Do Everything.

2. Don’t Change What’s Already Good

We all know that moment when your partner is at the sweet spot going down on you with just the right rhythm and you have an overwhelming urge to vocally express your gratitude — but somehow that translates to faster, harder, etc. No, just no. If you’re the one going down, accept the praise and keep doing what you’re doing — don’t make your partner wish they never said anything.

3. Be Clean

This really should be common courtesy, but just as a friendly reminder: please wash your bodies and mouths thoroughly. Facial trimming helps prevent that rough sandpaper feeling against your partner’s sensitive parts. Trimming further down will make a clearer pathway — and remember, the less hair there is, the more skin there is to be touched! (That said, however, some people like playing with a little hair/having a little hair played with down there.)

4. Warn Them

A little warning before you ejaculate can build up excitement for the giver and more importantly, ease any anxiety about not knowing if you’re going to end up with sticky hair or running to spit in the sink.

5. Stock Up on Bedside Essentials

Like I said before, oral sex is no easy task. Luckily, there are a few tools I use to make my job a little easier.

• Lubrication. I can’t say enough about how important lube is to our sex lives. Whether you’re feeling a little dry, you want to add some flavor, or you want to extend teasing foreplay, lube is your best friend. (See also My Top 6 Reasons to Love Lube and My Top 6 Favorite Lubes.)
• Hair ties. For those of us with long locks, having a couple hair ties close by will keep your hair of out of your eyes and can also give your partner a better view of the show.
• Tissues. Or wipes, for all around post-show clean-up.
• A glass of water. For the inevitable dehydration/mouth drying.
• Toys. Because a little helping hand never hurt anyone. A small vibrator for teasing, a cock ring, prostate massager, butt plug, nipple clamps, stimulating gel, mix and match, etc. Many things contribute to a good sex life, and creativity is one of them. Get inventive!

6. Try New Positions and Locations

Sure, a new tongue technique is fun to bust out, but sometimes you know what you like, and what you like works. When we masturbate we often engage in the same artistry that works best for us. Despite this seemingly monotonous routine, I still absolutely love every orgasm I have. So, instead of changing techniques for some novelty, change the position or location. Maybe do that move she loves, but while she’s on her side instead of her back. Go in an elevator, don’t press any buttons, and see how long you can go down on him before it starts moving again. Keep it interesting for both of you by switching up the routine.

7. Use Your Hands

There’s a reason Rabbit-style vibrators are the most popular toys for women — dual stimulation is where it’s at. Suck on her clitoris while you finger her. Give your partner’s tush a squeeze. And give yourself a helping hand if you don’t want to risk a deep throating gag reflex.

8. Mix in Masturbation

Be careful with this one. It can backfire if touching yourself while you are going down on your partner gets a little too distracting. However, masturbating can also get you more in the mood to please your partner, and those little moans you make can definitely be a turn on for the receiver.

9. Talk It Out

If you are familiar at all with Em & Lo’s advice, then you’ve probably heard enough about the importance of communication. And I’m here to tell you that you can never hear that enough. Pushing yourself to fully and honestly communicate with your partner is an ongoing practice in relationships. And it doesn’t stop in the bedroom.

• Show your partner enthusiasm! The only time I don’t like going down on someone is when there is no indication of their enjoyment. What’s the point then? Show them how much you enjoy that twisting tongue, and you might wake up to your partner begging to go down on you. Flattery can get you anywhere, amiright?
• Talk dirty. It’s great for a libido boost, an ego boost, and a hot way to tell your partner what is it you are really enjoying. Note: A critical, in depth analysis during sexy time of what they are doing wrong for you is not the biggest turn on.
• Debrief afterwards. This is (embarrassing/geekily) one of my favorite parts about getting it on. This makes for a nice time to share what you really liked, to compliment, and to critique. If you weren’t super into something that your partner did, they deserve to know. This is really about learning how to have the best sex you can with one another. Everyone likes something different.

10. Remember the Golden Rule!

As mentioned above, thank your partner in all all the appropriately dirty ways you see fit. If you are tired after that mind-exploding orgasm they just gave you, don’t sweat it — but ensure that next time, it’s all about them.

Also to be read at Em & Lo

Sharing:

The safest way to share your sex toys with a partner is to use condoms on them. If you’re a sharing toy with multiple body parts (for example: going from the vagina to the anus and back) you will want to have the toy disinfected first or use a new condom for the new location.

Storage:

Keep your toys in cool, dry place with the batteries removed. Many toys will come with their own storage box or pouch. These additions are great for travel, organization, and hygiene!

Material Care:

Silicone toys, like many of the Tantus toys, can be put in the top rack of your dishwasher. A silicone vibrator, like the Mona by Lelo, should not be boiled. Instead, any silicone toy can be cleaned using antibacterial soap and water. We also recommend using an antibacterial cleaner made specifically for sex toys. Either let it air dry or wipe with a clean washcloth.

Stainless Steel are some of the most hygienic toys because they are non-porous and easily disinfected. They can be boiled, put in the dishwasher, or used with antibacterial soap and water. (pssst the stainless steel Pure Wand is hailed as one of the best g-spot toys that often give women their first female ejaculation)

Glass is similar to stainless steel cleaning, however, be careful with glass around high temperatures.

Hard Plastic should not be boiled, but antibacterial soap and water is fine. See the Aneros Prostate Stimulator for a high quality plastic toy.

Jelly Rubber can be some of the least hygienic toys because they are porous, which means bacteria is easily trapped, so they cannot be disinfected. I only shop at places that try to avoid carrying these toys because they often have phthalates and are not body-safe.

Elastomer is a safer rubber alternative and phthalate-free. However, it isn’t completely non-porous so it cannot be disinfected. Your best option is to clean with antibacterial soap and water.

Leather cannot be disinfected, put rather spot cleaned with a washcloth (be careful not to soak it!) or use a leather cleaner. Check out one of my favorites, Kinklab leather wrist cuffs!

This weekend I attended Midori’s opening night for her art show at the Center for Sex and Culture. You can read more about her Evoco Project here.

Seeing her art inspired me to read over some of Midori’s older essays. Her insight, advice, etc for Dominate/submissive relationships struck me as important, so important that I wanted to share them with all of you! Her explanation of a healthy D/s relationship is significant for not only for those who are interested in D/s kink, but for anyone thinking of entering or already in a relationship.

It is important to have time outside of a relationship in order to concentrate on your core self and work on your own self assurance before getting it from someone else. Without being really present in yourself, the reasons for being in a relationship may be emotionally harmful to you or your partner. In a D/s relationship example, the Dominate could be entering the relationship to feel more control and end up still dissatisfied because the submissive is really using their own agency to willing submit to their Dominate.

I’ll hand it off to Midori’s wise words now:

“D/s is a relationship construct containing elements of formalized power distribution, entered into with mutual agreement by two or more self-sufficient and responsible adults possessing their own power and identity.

I really feel that it’s important for all the parties entering into a D/s relationship to possess their own set of tools for self-sufficiency and a well-formed sense of the Self. Otherwise, the relationship entered into might become the framework for co-dependency, mutual escapism and blame.

One must possess oneself, and that self must have strength and substance before it can be surrendered as something with holding. One must have self-knowledge and self-control before deeply knowing another person and being granted control of them. Both must communicate as fully mature beings. Beyond these points, all other elements become variables bt which each relationship is defined…”

- Midori, Wild Side Sex: The Book of Kink, Educational, Sensual, And Entertaining Essays

I also stuck my nose in Mikaya Heart’s chapter on relationships in The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women: How to Become Orgasmic for a Lifetime this weekend.  A great part about my weekend reading was how nicely the two works paired together. Heart had similar feelings to Midori, in that the primary goal of sex should not be about orgasm, pleasing your partner, etc, but about getting to know yourself. Being in tune with yourself is a fantastic way to bring yourself the most pleasure. And hey, when your partner can see how good you are feeling they will likely think it is pretty hot too. Mikaya’s writing is a little bit more about energy and pleasure, while Midori’s is being about the importance of relationship dynamics.

“Don’t start out with any other goal other than getting to know yourself….Ultimately, wonderful sex is about merging, and that cannot happen until both partners consciously choose to be present, in the fullness of their power.”

-Mikaya Heart, The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women: How to Become Orgasmic for a Lifetime

Honey Lube Waterbased All Natural Lubricant:

Breakfast in bed, anyone? This classic honey bear shaped container will surely fool your visitors. The waterbased lubricant is honey flavored, making it an excellent oral sex accessory. Its also completely safe to swallow, so don’t worry too much if anyone actually does try to use it for honey. That simply means the disguise worked like a charm. However, remember to inform your partner. I don’t think anyone needs to worry about getting honey all up in their bits. 

Lelo Mia:

This small, discreet vibrator from Lelo is a great option because it looks just like a lipstick container. For anyone who likes to stay occupied during their jetsetting days, the Mia is small enough to pack while traveling and wont get TSA asking any questions. 

Tenga Flip Hole:

Most of us know that in order to get a guy’s attention you need to be obivous. Subtly is not the key. Unfortunately, this doesn’t line up with concept ofdiscreet (remember the pretty explicit body parts on the famous Fleshlight?) Thanks to Tenga, we finally have a classy male sex toy that is easy to clean, textured, and has air compression buttons for added pleasure!

Lelo Nea:

Lelo does it again with their clitoral vibrator, Nea. The floral design is very stylish and feminine. This could be anything from a pretty paperweight to a wireless mouse for the computer. 

Bonus: Myth: The Hitachi Magic Wand is discreet, it looks any other back massager.

This may be true. But let’s get real, we all know what massages lead to and we all know where that massager has probably been. On the other hand, if your friend’s mind remains on the clean side, then they may want to try out your massager. This might be a worse result then them just knowing you own sex toys.

Also posted on Boink Boutique.

I’m finally venturing outside of the vibration realm of sex toy reviews by reviewing Lelo’s Sensua Suede Whip! I had my eye on this guy for a while, spending my days working at a sex shop and giving myself small subtle back on the wrist slaps. After all the anticipation, when I finally got one to use on my own time Lelo’s packaging was anything but disappointing. It came wrapped in tissue paper made to last inside a durable slate box. It makes for a really great gift.

One thing to keep in mind about this product is that it is made of cow suede leather (sorry, vegans.) so it tends to shed a bit at first. It probably shouldn’t be used upon the initial opening If you want to show some manners to your partner. The best option would be to shake/whip it for a few minutes prior to using it on a partner in order to avoid leaving your sheets in a messy array of leather discharge.

This whip has a great little grabbing effect at the ends. It is also really soft (like, amazingly soft), which makes it an ideal whip if you want to use it for a variety of teasing. Tickle and sooth the skin as you glide the tassels across the body. The handle is really solid made of acrylic and stainless steel.

For those of you who like to dress up a little, this whip comes in purple, red, and black, and is small enough to make for a perfect accessory to a simple, chic lingerie number.

Speaking of the size of the whip – the handle is about 6 inches and the tassels are only about 8…which means if you are used to longer tassels, like a large flogger, then you want to be careful not to expectantly/unpleasantly hit your partner with the handle.

Lelo was definitely making a classy playtime product. If you really want something with more of an umph or a sting then you want to go with a slapper or a riding crop. This whip is better for those who want softer, playful spanks and teasing.

Get your own SENSUA SUEDE WHIP at Lelo!

Most people want to die quickly and peacefully. However, these same people also want feeding tubes, respirators, etc. in order to stay alive…which can be more of a slow painful death. They mention how it is both healthy to want to go peacefully and healthy to want to stay alive…but sometimes we need to accept life and death as they are and make a compromise.

At the end of the podcast they mention a quotation from Maurice Sendak. I was really taken by what he said…

“I am so in love with the tree and the beauty of it and my chance to keep it company just a little while longer.. and I want to stay and every extra day I get is a day that is precious to me and I want to stay even harder, but I am ready to go when it is time. I’ve made myself ready.”

I can’t help by to relate this to breakup’s and starting new relationships.

This idea especially resonates with me right now. In a couple months it will have been a year since my last big break up. And at this very moment I am about to leave for the airport with the new guy I am seeing to go home for my grandma’s service. She passed away a year ago exactly.

Mourning the loss of those close to me and mourning the loss of relationships are two things I’ve experienced more than I would like…and to me they can be a very similar experience at times. Not all the time and not in every way. I learn very different things about myself depending on whether it is death or a break up. But the pain of having someone not in your daily life anymore is a similar sort of aching.

The podcast had me thinking about how accepting your death really is the most peaceful way to go. It is almost like one in the same. Once you’ve accepted your death, you’ve reached a peaceful place. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt and isn’t hard. In a break up you can accept that you aren’t right for each other or they don’t want to be with you or whatever and be content with the separation…but the pain still comes in waves.

What I love about this quotation though, despite the dooming aspect of death, is the optimism he holds…which is why I want to think about relationships in this same way. Relationships run their course and when they are ready to end they will. We are resilient enough to accept that, learn something, and move on. Often times we are afraid of starting new relationships or are scared of intense feelings for someone new. Sendak’s words make me less scared.

I feel more encouraged to really be aware and let myself feel everything as I really do. It isn’t worth it to be scared and stuck in the middle of a feeling. Feel it all or move on.

1. Yoga Is a Stress Reliever

A tightly wound mind is not exactly conducive to orgasmic bliss, especially for women. Studies have shown yoga can lower anxiety, depression, blood pressure, and general mental and physical dissatisfaction. Carving out time for yoga each week is an easy and inexpensive way to be good to yourself. Consider it a kind of ongoing D.I.Y. foreplay.

2. Yoga Improves Body Awareness

Yoga helps you become more aware of and more in touch with your body, often through the practice of mindful meditation while you work out. I know what you’re thinking: Hold the oms, I just want to get into shape. But there’s an awesome side effect to all this body awareness: You learn to listen to what your body wants and likes. Which is a serious advantage in the bedroom, where women especially often find themselves doing things that they think are supposed to feel good, rather than figuring out what actually turns them on.
You don’t have to completely make your mind blank to achieve body awareness. It’s basically just about focusing your energy throughout different parts of your body, and then doing what feels right.

When I do yoga, I’m in a large studio space with at least 50 other people and an instructor who walks around describing the next position, while also encouraging us to do what feels best for our bodies. When we are all on our backs, some will want to have their legs tucked close to our bodies and rock back and forth, while others will want to spread their legs up and hold their feet with their hands. In my class, I’ve learned what positions feel good to me without worrying how I might look. It’s impossible not to translate this sort of acquired wisdom to the bedroom, where an arched back might look really sexy to my partner, but may not be the best way for me to get off that night.

3. Yoga Is an Aphrodisiac

Exercise is one of the greatest natural aphrodisiacs. And yes, yoga is a work-out if you’re doing it right! It improves strength, balance, and flexibility. And once you get those endorphins going, you’ll have more energy to do all the things you enjoy. In fact, in general, the more you look out for your health — exercise, diet, and rest — the better you will feel and the more eager you will be to jump in the sack with your partner!

4. Yoga Improves Blood Flow to the Pelvis

Many positions increase blood flow to the pelvis, for example, the bound angle position. And increased blood flow down there is exactly what happens when you get turned on! It’s also the same thing that those stimulant gels you can buy at your local sex shop are going for, too — except that, once you’ve learned the right positions, yoga is free! (And better for your heart, too.)

5. Two Words: Yoga Pants.

Ladies, a good pair of yoga pants can be an awesome visual turn-on for your partner — but more importantly, they can make you want to admire your own ass in the mirror. Aw yeah.

Read at Em and Lo.